His funeral was all a blur...

I remember the endless cold rain pouring down at the cemetery and my feet sinking in the mud but I was numb.  I remember kissing his name on the coffin before we had to leave the gravesite but I felt as if I was playing a part in a movie and that this was not my real life...it couldn't be...my son who had what would seem like the "perfect" life had ended his in a brief moment of time...but why?

March 1st 2022 Tuesday

-the dreaded day my world went black (just 12 days before my son's 19 birthday his life would end unexpectedly and tragically) 

PART I

It was just a typical Tuesday.  Ryan was the first one up and out and off to college.  My husband left 2nd and I left 3rd for work.  I was awake early and was going to get up to see Ryan off but I fell back to sleep and I regret that morning more than anyone can ever imagine.  I didn't see my son off that morning and little did I know I would never see him alive again.  

I went to work as usual and I texted Ryan from work to ask how his hand was because he had hit the punching bag in our gym and hurt his hand two nights before.    Ryan texted me back that his hand was fine.   He also texted me that his girlfriend had ended things for good (meaning it was "really over" this time as they were taking a break from their relationship.)  Ryan had been praying for them to get back together and I was worried about him because I knew he was heartbroken and that he wanted to work things out with her.  The two of them were together the night before for hours talking.  She had reached out to him to meet him as she said she had wanted closure.   When Ryan returned home Monday evening he went straight to his room and it was evident that he just wanted to be left alone.  Another regret that has haunted me terribly.  I wish I would have banged down his bedroom door to talk with him knowing what I know now.  That's the problem with teens....when to intervene and when to give them space?  

The after effects of a sudden tragic death is all the "what ifs" and "if only's" & "why didn't I"...that replay over and over in your head. These demons will literally torture you if you allow them to.   I think as a parent we always self blame because we feel its our job to always protect our children for a lifetime.  Parenting doesn't ever end not even when our children become adults.  I remember all too well the feeling of worry that was dancing around in my stomach that Tuesday when I was at work.  I felt a little better when I texted him and heard back from him.   I even had expressed to a client at work that I was worried about him but knew he'd get through it.  I was saying how proud I was of him and that he had great faith so I knew he'd get through his first breakup and heartache.  I was looking forward to a long conversation with him when I got home from work.  Ryan and I had a close relationship and it was something I treasured.   Driving home, I thought about the conversation I wanted to have with him in my head and wanted to say something meaningful in hopes to alleviate some of his pain.  I was going to share my own experience of how painful it is to lose your first love and how even though you can't see it at the time the heart does heal and the heart does allow new love to grow in time.  In time Ryan....why didn't you allow yourself time....

I stopped quick at the grocery store on the way home from work to pick up a few items to make tacos.  Returning home I was so happy and excited to see my son's car in the driveway.  I was shocked he was home before me.  I brought in the groceries and my husband had also came home from work within a few minutes.  I did what I normally do when I get home from work.  I go say hi to Ryan, give him a hug, tell him what's was for dinner & ask him about his day.  

Before you read on I think it's best to inform you with some vital information

PART II.  UNDERSTANDING the TEENAGE BRAIN:

-The prefrontal cortex is the last part of the brain to fully develop.  It is the decision making part of the brain.  It’s responsible for your teens ability to plan & think about consequences of actions, solve problems & control impulses.  Teens don’t weigh risks and consequences normally during this phase.  This part of the brain doesn’t fully develop until around age 26.  Because the prefrontal cortex is still developing, teenagers often rely on another part of the brain called the amygdala to make decisions and to solve problems.  The amygdala is associated with emotions and impulses.  Please be aware that teens are working with brains that are still under construction. I found out after the fact, that teens who suffer breakups are more vulnerable to depression, self-harm, and even suicide. Likewise, they may experience symptoms of trauma. Teens' actions can be sudden and impulsive.   Research shows that breakups are one of the leading causes of psychological distress and a major cause of suicide among young people.

*What's important to remember is that teens attempt or complete suicide not because of a desire to die, but, rather, in an attempt to escape a bad situation and/or painful feelings.  Many teens who attempt suicide often don't remember attempting it.  The brain has a moment of shut off or some call it a "mental break."  Impulse and heightened emotions are in the driver's seat and all reasoning and thought out consequences have left the car entirely.  

 

PART III

I called out to Ryan, "Hey Ry!"  After unpacking the groceries I went into my son's bedroom.  The lights were off.  His backpack and his coat were on the floor in front of his bed.   He wasn't in his room.   I went downstairs assuming he was in his "man cave" playing video games as he often did after he got home from school.  He wasn't in there so I went into our family room to see if he fell asleep on the couch and he wasn't there.  As I made my way to the staircase every nerve in my body was tingling and I felt a horrific feeling of darkness come over me.  I knew something was wrong.  Something was terribly wrong.  I ran up the stairs with fear racing through the blood in my veins.  My first instinct was to run into his bathroom.  I was afraid to pull back the shower curtain but I did so anyway in automatic mode and was relieved that he was not in there.  My head was buzzing and I just stood in between his desk and bed frozen in fear.  I realized where he was at that point and I found him but I was too late.   When I saw my son's body on the floor I felt as if I came out of my own body and thought that perhaps I was experiencing death.  That's what it felt like.  Once my brain was able to process the reality I ran into the bathroom out in the hallway because I felt as if I was going to vomit.  I felt myself leaving my body again.  I felt like I was going to pass out.  I bolted out of the bathroom and fell knees to the floor.  The most high pitched deafening screams were coming out of my mouth.  It was the loudest scream and sound I have ever heard and I knew they were my own but yet it felt surreal.  I became hysterical and my husband called 911.  My beautiful son had shot himself.  The most unimaginable most horrific terrifying experience was happening to me and I felt helpless....hopeless and I felt completely terrorized.   Shock is an extremely unusual stage of trauma.  It is a hypnoses barrier of protection.  It's very hard for me to remember all that took place after the 911 call.  I only remember bits and pieces.  In my mind I had went into the dark pit of hell.  Nothing made sense.  I wanted to vanish into the air.  Why am I still here?  This can't be happening!   

 

PART IV

Yellow tape...police...a detective...strangers in the house...policemen...endless questions...sirens...more questions...."was there anyone who wanted to hurt Ryan?"....WHAT?????....No!  Definitely no!....Lights from police cars flashing through every window....phone calls I had to make and don't remember even making....more questions....an ambulance....more strangers in the house....I want my kids....where are my kids?...mom....dad....are they here yet....help!....more family coming in the door looking like zombies entering a horror scene from an unscripted movie...I'm leaving my body again....I'm coming back....waves of sounds but I can't make out the words....disassociating....our Pastor is here...who called him?....more questions....no one is making sense...I'm answering questions but I can't understand my own words...."Wendy don't look...they are taking Ryan body out"....What?....He's not in there....I  see a body bag leaving our home....Where is my son?....  I just want to hold my son....what is happening?...where's my baby boy....don't take him from me....put him back....I think I want to die.....

 

PART V

The day after-I can honestly say that days blended into each other making it seem as though time stood still and I was just reliving the trauma of finding my son over and over in my head and I just wanted to bring him back to life...to will him back to life but I could not.  We planned a funeral....total blur....people in and out of our home....total blur.    Please know that the newly bereaved are in complete shock and that the shock lasts for months and months and even up to a year and beyond and that the only thing existing is that their existence has gone into straight survival mode.  The mind and body goes into a stage of complete shock which is followed by the fight or flight mode.  Everything else is a total blur.  We can not be held accountable for what we said, how we acted, or who we even spoke to.  All we know in our brain is that we have left the earth and have entered a world unknown.  I felt as if I was an alien and I could not recognize another person that I encountered except for my husband, Karissa & Nick.  I was literally crawling out of my skin and if it wasn't for Xanax (which I have never taken in my life) I would not have been able to get through the funeral and the days that followed.

 

PART VI (A quick summary)

There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  There is only your way.  Everyone will embark on their own grief journey at one point and time.  Assistance and support is highly recommended.  I had extreme anxiety, insomnia and PTSD.  It was beyond difficult for me to even leave my home during that first year. I still am even struggling at times during this second year on my forever grief journey.  I can honestly say that I got up and out of my bed every single day following Ryan's death and I do not know how I even did that!  I plummeted downward quickly.  My skin would always crawl and I felt a weight so heavy I could barely move around.  I could not sleep at all.  I would stay awake for days and nights and never feel tired.  I even went 96 hours with no sleep.  I was either all consumed with my grief or just completely numb.  There was no middle ground at all.  During the first few months I felt like I was having a heart attack all the time.  I ended up wearing a heart monitor.  One afternoon while driving on the thruway I had an episode.  I had pains in my chest, my head went dizzy & my legs and arms starting going numb and I pulled over my car in fear of passing out.  I called my mom from the car phone and she stayed on the phone with me because I was petrified.  She called 911 and the ambulance came.  That was a terrifying day to say the least. Please know anxiety and trauma from grief are nothing to mess with.  I found out from a Dr. in the hospital that you can actually die from a broken heart.  Boy, did I have an insane pain and ache in mine from the loss of my son.  Being on medication helped my body and brain to cope.  Getting therapy helped me to learn tools to navigate my anxiety and PTSD symptoms.  God is working on the rest of me.  I believe He's working on every broken part of me.  He is definitely taking His time with me but He is truly making progress.   Rome wasn't built in a day.  I soon realized after my hospital episode that I needed to take care of myself and my husband was truly the one who took the very best care of me.  I wouldn't be where I am now without his constant support and love.  I fought.  I fought harder than I have ever fought in my life.  I fought through anger, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, loneliness, emptiness, darkness, abandonment, loss of purpose, identity crisis, brokenness, all consuming sadness, nonstop crying episodes, isolation & I even questioned God and my faith.  I had to fight for it all.  I lost myself.  I'm still lost at times but I am navigating my grief much better.  Feeling lost is perfectly normal.  I'll never be the same but I am starting to like the new me.  I've changed.  I can never be who I once was before I lost Ryan but I am proud of this new me who fights to be here every single day for my family and my loved ones.  I can still laugh and make others laugh and hold my constant ache in my heart at bay.  I can still do the things I once enjoyed and feel the loss of Ryan as I embark on each new memory I am making without him.  I hold him in my heart every single second of every single day.  His memory is alive within me. He is always on my mind and I talk with him all the time believing that he hears every word I say.  Ryan and I were always connected deeply and we still are connected in spirit.  Not even death can steal that from me.  My newest dream is to write a book one day with every detail of my story.  I hope I can be a light to others that are on this path.  I plan on helping as many as I can through their own grief journey as a grief coach.  There is light in this darkness.   Light always overcomes the dark.  With God all things are possible!  Death is never the end...it's just "I'll see you soon!"    I hope you'll live out your life with your full potential and that you will find a meaningful purpose that helps your heart to beat with love.  If you've lost a loved one find a way to honor their precious life and keep that honor going as you finish up your race in this world.  I believe our loved ones are always with us.  They will guide us and give us signs of hope and love.  Make sure you are looking for those signs.  Find peace in knowing that they are just waiting for us.  Be kind to yourself and spread kindness to others.  Know that grief is a forever journey.   You can live out your best life and carry your grief with you.   Grief is just love with no place to go so just embrace it and let it guide you.  I wish you all a life filled with hope, renewal, love & peace.  Each day is a gift and I pray you give yourself permission to choose joy over sorrow & laughter over tears.  I am here for anyone who needs help in healing their mind, heart and soul.  May God bless you all!